Well here I am again......Saying SORRY once more for the absence. Things were rather tough the last couple months. I am once again starting to feel myself, and I'm ready to talk about it! So grab some tea and of course cookies and let me tell you where I have been and my journey back and what it is I have learnt in the process.
So as some of you are aware, I suffer from Anxiety and Depression.....mostly Anxiety, but if left too long, it will manifest itself into a depressive state. Stressful situations set off my anxiety, as does most people's, but since I do have the panic attacks and anxiety problem already, if I don't get it under control, it.. well quite frankly.... becomes a "shit storm". I'm not going to sit here and blame just one particular situation, or blame anyone specifically, but a combination of events led me down a big dark hole...and then finally at the end of July, I felt as though I was sinking still and I just couldn't get to the top. It is an awful feeling, like you're drowning, and you just can't keep your head out of water... I had booked a couple of doctors appointments, but then felt to guilty to go to them and "miss work", so I cancelled them. The cycle just kept spiralling along, with no end in sight. Finally, one weekend, I didn't get out of bed much at all, and just to let you know it was a GORGEOUS weekend, and looking back I should have been taking full advantage of my warm pool in our backyard. I hit bottom, I was sad, mad, confused, achy, headachy, tired, but most of all did in. I really needed some help. The Monday was a Stat Holiday, so I was thankful for one more day. "Get up, Get moving, Get your shit together" I kept saying to myself. Finally Tuesday came and I hadn't slept a wink the night before, instead, I had gone over and over it in my mind.... "You HAVE GOT to go see your Doctor", "NO MORE waiting". I had talked myself into calling first thing in the morning. And that is exactly what I did.
The answer on the other end was simple, get here today, He will see you at 1:30. But how am I going to make this work, how am I going to tell work, who is going to cover me at work, what if my doctor thinks I'm crazy, what if my husband gets mad.,,,,,, these words going round and round and round in my head. ALL the way to work. I didn't say a word. I held my stomach, it was in knots. I feared to open my mouth to say something, for one the ridicule that I had in my mind my husband would say, and Two, for fear of getting sick to my stomach. I was so sore and tired and couldn't shut my brain off.... my hands and feet twitched the whole way. Finally calming myself, I arrived at work, and with one big deep breath, I faced my fear and said to my boss, "I have not been feeling well, Doctor wants to see me this afternoon". There I said it, it was out......It was like someone had punched me in the stomach. It was so hard to admit it. But for some reason, deep, deep down in my soul, I just knew I had to.
The drive back to my town for my afternoon appointment was not any better. I felt like death, shaking, stomach aching, I had a headache that felt like one wrong move and my brain was going to explode...... what if I'm going crazy?? Is this how it feels?? Why can't I breath properly?? Am I having a heart attack?? Why am I so sick and achy?? Do I have Cancer?? Am I dying?? Around and around my head these questions kept lurking and rearing their ugly head. Next thing I know, I am at the reception desk stating I was here for my appointment! How the hell did I get here? I don't remember a thing, I can't remember my drive, did I hit someone? What if I hit someone or something?? What the hell is happening to me??
The wait for the Doctor seemed like eternity, but sadly it was really 4 mins.... I twisted and turned, and dry heved. Then he opened the door, and with that " Hello Cheryl, I see you finally made it in to see me, I have been noticing you were booked in, but Cancelled?" And with those words, My whole life changed!
It was like someone turned on the water tap. The only words that I can describe it was everything came out all at once. I shook and cried and hyperventilated. For reals, it was a break down, a full fledged mental let go!! Your needing some time, you're off work, you need to help yourself out......
So Now it's been until October until I'm able to express my feelings, and let you know just exactly what has been keeping me away.... I just needed some alone time, some mental clarity etc... but I'll be back!!
Fast forward to November 27th... I've finished my sick leave and have resigned from my position at my work. I'm able to now function clearly, happily, and am now able to enjoy life! I am not sitting down to finish off my time away story, and will think about doing another soon.... For now I'm living the Stay at Home Wife Life and the Simple Life! It's clearly working for me.... will I know how long? Not sure, but I am back to writing and that's all that matters!
I have some great posts coming soon... Just in time for the gift giving season!